Updated: Sep 2, 2020
Yoga has always been perceived by people around me, and otherwise, as a near-demonic, if not entirely demonic practice. Since we are partly influenced by nurture, this general perception subconsciously and consciously made me quite repel yoga. Perhaps repel is a kind word, because in retrospect, I did not like Yoga AT ALL. This was not even my thought about Yoga, it was pure influence stemming from how OTHER people perceived yoga. You see how messed up I used to be? Collecting people’s perceptions about what must happen and forming a reality of my life! (We thank God for self-realisation)
Two years ago I had an authentic and brutal (I choose brutal because moments of true reflection have to be characterized by sheer brutality to strip who you think you are) moment with myself to reflect on how I want my next 40 years to look like. I was generally tired of the person I was. The thought of dying and not fully knowing who I was sounded like pure disservice to myself. I couldn’t even recognize myself in the mirror anymore, and I loathed the person I had become.
Journeying through this life, I had lost substantial parts of myself, and the compass needle in me continuously reminded me to bring those parts back. I had spent a significant part of my life pleasing people just to stay safe and be desired. In the process, I held self-limiting beliefs, and generally operated from a place of fear. In order to heal from that place, I was forced to prioritise myself and repair the harm of inherited and generational trauma. Looking back, the people pleasing trait was the worst! I couldn’t say no to a lunch date, or to a party invite, even though my inner being would be screaming ‘I want to be home instead’. I would silence my true wishes, and entertain other people’, just because I feared I would lose these people if I chose myself. The preposterous thing in this situation was, these people would say no to me if I presented them with the same invite! Self-play,What a treacherous thing that!
2018, like I already mentioned, was a whole life changing, shift shaping year for me. I confronted myself, broke down walls and came face to face with the person I was. Woman to woman; we had to confront my toxicity, and how I hurt people; intentionally and unintentionally. The adage ‘hurt people hurt people’, I had to unpack that for myself. I was forced to being mindful and intentional about everything around me, how I respond, how I act and how I react.
During my woman to woman session, i allowed myself to be vulnerable and let my spirit lead me back to ME. Little by little I started confronting my demons. I revisited the darkest and deepest corners of my soul, my mind, my heart…. There was so much crying. You know it is real when tears flow from a hardcore like me. I started releasing anger, pain, shame, disappointments, trauma, and everything in between. I unlearnt all that I thought I knew, what I thought I was, and I’m still unlearning a lot. That is the thing about learning and unlearning, it is a constant journey as you meet new parts of your life. In re-defining me, I detached from materialistic items. I built my world and forgave myself, and that’s how I was pulled into meditation, which led me to yoga, because the two are related.
I first read about Yoga and meditation online and it spoke so much to me, It was exactly what I needed at that time. You know the adage ‘when the student is ready the teacher appears’ (Yes! So much truth in this statement). I then started practicing yoga and meditation online because I was looking for something to calm my mind, body and soul and Yoga gave me that, through breathing exercises and meditation. I was skeptical about meditation at first, because I didn’t want to mess up with what I didn’t know. It proved to be so worthy in attaining clarity and understanding. Basically your body carries your life story, it keeps the scores of your trauma, emotions or limiting beliefs that haven’t been cleared that remain stored in the subconscious. So, I learnt to release so much during and through yoga.
Meditation on the other hand helped me to learn to let go of my attachments and desires. It’s such a beautiful practice to strip away all the layers of who you thought you were so that who you truly are has a space to emerge. What a wonderful journey!
Anyway, 4 months later, I booked myself on a seven days yoga retreat in Thailand, Koh Phangan, which remains the best decision I ever made. This Yoga retreats was amazing because I was surrounded by intentional love, kindness, positive minds, happy and content souls which was infectious. This was a perfect place to unbecome, and step into becoming who I was meant to be. I came back from Koh Phangan a whole new person, and a vegan too!!! Yoga teaches you self-love, acceptance, forgiveness, understanding and gives clarity of mind. Yoga healed me and it continues to heal me in every way. It continues to take me on a journey about and with myself every day I sit on that mat.
Eventually I moved on from who I had become, and I started on a re-birthing journey. Love found me, happiness found me,Peace found me, and I found Me right within myself.
My calling also found me!!
Now I protect my sanity, my peace, my wellbeing and my happiness with everything I have. I am genuinely happy, wealthy, healthy soul who understands that I am accountable to ME and nobody owes me shit (Yogis can curse too).
I am responsible for my happiness and now I unconditionally love myself
I am aligned, I understand that I’m not perfect, I am just a spirit having a human experience, and I am grateful to be journeying here right now. The re-birth is worth it!!