Home, Belonging, and (Un)Belonging

In the previous post, I mentioned that I was tired of the life I was living, and the heart ache of living a mundane purpose-less life. I had an unending, overwhelming feeling to disengage, go outside and breath in some place other than behind the computer in a corporate world. Waking up every day and filling my mornings with work, then gym and then back home felt like a total exhausting waste of my being. I felt trapped, and an intense sense of not belonging in there and other spaces I occupied. I was here, but not fully here. I was there, but not fully there. And this emotion, kept eating at the back of my psyche, to remind me that there was more to life, there had to be something bigger and more fulfilling.

With the above mentioned emotions as the backdrop, deciding to go for a yoga retreat in Thailand was life changing as I have already mentioned. Coming back, I noticed a lot of positive change in my mental attitude. So, coming back to this unfulfilled life and continuing doing the same things and being around the same people I was trying to run away from was too painful to bare. I almost fell back off the wagon, but the pain of the world was just too loud to ignore. I had to decide on my way forward, but the thought of taking a leap of faith filled me with so much anxiety. But why and what was it, that I was afraid of exactly? What was holding me back? Absolutely nothing. Fortunately for me, I keep a journal; where I write down my plans, thoughts and what’s anchoring in me. Journaling helps my brain to see and feel everything I desire. You all should keep one, trust me it makes this healing process so much easier. I started writing down my fears and whatever was holding me back, and when I look back in journal, I realized that most of those fears were just material things. I worried about what I would do for money, what would I do with all the stuff I have accumulated, how will my decision impact my family, what exactly will I be chasing, is happiness/peace of mind worth it, does it even exist, Is what I’m chasing even normal? but then again what is normal? or I’m just selling myself a dream and running away from ‘responsibilities? Fear of the unknown took over. But something must be done. If not now, WHEN? These were constant, overwhelming thoughts in my head.

After all these questions, I deliberated and knew I wanted to do yoga to counter these emotions. Yoga had already proven to me that it was the most sustainable, effective way out of this hole for me. It provided answer and clarity. To become a qualified yoga instructor, I had to complete a 200 or more hours in teacher training in an accredited school. I wanted to do it in a place surrounded by temples and glorious mountainous areas with greenery, flower gardens and gorgeous waterfalls, like India or Bali. I finally settled for Bali, mainly because I have not been to Bali and my yogi friends told me that I would love Bali. The plan was to leave in December and trying to find Yoga retreat to fit in my days was not easy. December is just a weird month where we all get excited for holidays and, it is a rainy season in Bali hence yoga retreats were quite minimal. So, finding a yoga retreat for those dates was not easy, and a blessing to actually get one.

I finally decided to hand in my resignation letter at work, and everything fell in place. I got home that evening after gym then boom! yoga retreat in Bali popped on my timeline line. There were perfect dates that I had in mind and quiet affordable I must add… God though! exactly what I have been looking for. Alignment. Guys I swear Algorithms are way of God talking to us, for real. The next morning, I got a call from my travel agent telling me that he found me a flight to Bali on the day I wanted to leave basically every piece fell in place. You see I was blocking my blessings by being stuck and unhappy in a corporate world. Because after I have sent out in my resignation letter, my life plan started to take shape. Yoga retreat was booked, flights tickets for both Bali and Europe also were booked, wanted to travel Europe in winter. And only then I told my family about my life plan.


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